Shameless Self-admiring Bastard (rampntnegatvity) wrote,
Shameless Self-admiring Bastard
rampntnegatvity

I'm feeling the need...

... to post more to this journal..

It lets me rant. Ranting is bad. It's funny as hell to some people, but its bad.

What is the secret to life?.. How does one become happy?.. I thought that I was happy with the giant transformation that I took up 6 years ago. It was a DRASTIC transformation. And it was a good one. However I've noticed that I've slipped back into my beginning mentality. The one I had when I was 19 where I would conqueor financial life quickly - where I would own a house and not have to pay rent - where I was completely and totally independant. Should I continue down this path? It's scary to think that I could end up again grinding to the same halt that I experienced at age 28. It took someone pointing it out then that I had no life, because I had very little human connection. I look around and realize that I've again let all human connection go.

One of the major lessons that I learned in that transformation was that I REALLY DON'T HATE PEOPLE. I quite enjoy their presence. I crave it. When I reconnoiter my past interactions with people in person, I still feel that I've failed miserably in most instances. I have a huge problem with reaching out. The ways in which I reach out I think indicate weakness and gullability.

I would just once like to not have to force myself to talk to anyone that I don't know without some coy or sarcastic reaction - and then continue that relation unstumpped for words or conversation - and then have a friend based on mutual understanding or idea, and not some shared past negative event in our lives.
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