Waiting for them to find you..


While so many others reap the benefits of life with what *I* would call unrestrained ease, I... despite pushing myself, have failed to produce not the sweet sappy (most desirable) pomegranite, or even the common easy to grow bananna.. I have not even produced a sprout. I've noticed that I have the same level of success when I place myself forward, or kick back and wait.

I must wait. I must cross my arms and wait for someone to find me.

Free Market?

I've been thinking lately about the push of western civilization across the face of the

North American continent. I'm going to forget for a moment the obvious mistreatment of

Native Americans. During that timeframe land was given out like candy by the government.

That's one of the ways it made money: lands sales. Now that land is settled. For the

most part, unless the U.S. Government wants to keep a piece of land (for strategic or

other reasons), then it is privately owned. What happens as population increases? Land,

despite how much it may cost, becomes more valuable. If I intended to build ANYTHING

that might somehow improve the human condition, then I must buy the land in pioneering

spirit just as previous settlers did... only now, it's more costly, especially in the

relative sense. In this case then, how is that "free market" will eventually win out

inspiring improvement? Can "free market" reach a critical mass that can no longer

support itself?

I'm feeling the need...

... to post more to this journal..

It lets me rant. Ranting is bad. It's funny as hell to some people, but its bad.

What is the secret to life?.. How does one become happy?.. I thought that I was happy with the giant transformation that I took up 6 years ago. It was a DRASTIC transformation. And it was a good one. However I've noticed that I've slipped back into my beginning mentality. The one I had when I was 19 where I would conqueor financial life quickly - where I would own a house and not have to pay rent - where I was completely and totally independant. Should I continue down this path? It's scary to think that I could end up again grinding to the same halt that I experienced at age 28. It took someone pointing it out then that I had no life, because I had very little human connection. I look around and realize that I've again let all human connection go.

One of the major lessons that I learned in that transformation was that I REALLY DON'T HATE PEOPLE. I quite enjoy their presence. I crave it. When I reconnoiter my past interactions with people in person, I still feel that I've failed miserably in most instances. I have a huge problem with reaching out. The ways in which I reach out I think indicate weakness and gullability.

I would just once like to not have to force myself to talk to anyone that I don't know without some coy or sarcastic reaction - and then continue that relation unstumpped for words or conversation - and then have a friend based on mutual understanding or idea, and not some shared past negative event in our lives.

Time is a commodity

I forgive people easily in daily life for asking me for a quarter. It's never really bothered me to give away pocket change. It seems to infuriate the general passer-by to upend his hard earned dime just to give it away to a bum. While I disapprove of that myself, what I feel is particularly egregious above and beyond that, is this displacement of my time for your activity. Time is something that is never gotten back. It can never be recovered. It is THE most precious resource. I don't care if I wanted to jerk off for five hours straight, but doing that was more important to me than taking you somewhere. It's my time. It's my valuable resource... and to continually require it of me chafes my ass worse than asking for even money.

It's my fucking time, and I want to spend it on my activities. A monetary exchange is not acceptable to me. I have specifically reduced my level of responsibility to others so that I might have my time to spend the way I see fit...

It would seem that because others have iummense obligations already that it falls upon me to do what guilt cannot force them to do. In other words, I get guilted into it. It's "convenient" for me, since "I have the time", to do what they have no time to do.

Helping someone for an hour or so on some project, or spending time at their wedding is more than acceptable. These are things those that can be mutually enjoyable - a shared activity. However when a person, or group of people, seemingly demands continuous sections of your time this relationship becomes a needing affair. It's comparable to the "friend" who always "needs" a dollar... or a hundred.. to get through "till next week"... or a place to stay till next month.. constantly... It's incredibly sapping to the psyche, and eventually destructive to my calm.

I'm sick of it..

.. sick of Cupid's bullshit. In the past 5 years I've had more women than I imagined that I could have, but imagined that I should. There should be no preamble to my rant here. I shouldn't need to explain that I was once told that I was an "inferior specimen", and quite on purpose I was told, I know - to get me to go away. It worked. I did go away, and proved that bitch wrong.

Now what do I do about finding what I had originally wanted before this started? This time it will not be in the form of what I had imagined. I'm quite satisfied with that. I had imagined that the person you call your significant other would be your "friend" to begin with. It turns out that the "friends" I've had that I wish to keep close (and there are few) are uninterested in pursuing, beyond being my "special friend", something lasting - in the romantic sense. Mostly this is due to difference in lifestyle choice.

I am unique in that I do not live within the city limits, that I do not have or want children, and do not pursue career/education with unwavering doggedness. For some reason, that makes me unique. I refuse, I most vehemently refuse, as I always have, to capitulate and adopt to the ridiculous idiosyncrasies of other human beings. You have to learn to live with me, as much as you have to learn with anyone else, as much as I have to learn to live with you. I will not obey, I will not assimilate. The time you invest in looking for perfect is wasted - look for human.

heh.. Sometimes I feel like I have to revisit "me"

3:24pm Kara Handfull

3:25pm Robert

3:28pm Robert
I just added you on Castleage didn't I?

3:30pm Kara Handfull
what are you doing now?

3:30pm Robert
lol.. I'm playing CastleAge, actually
and listening to a band called Slayer

3:31pm Kara Handfull
oh cool

3:32pm Robert
So lets see.. "Handfull"..
LOL.. Is this your last name, or a pseudonym?

3:34pm Robert
.. and that's not making fun of it at all if it is a last name..
If it weren't it would be as if you were implying that you were a "Handfull"

3:36pm Kara Handfull

3:38pm Robert
Generally if someone calls themselves by a name other than their birthname, they either hate their birthname.. or they've picked a pseudonym they think fits them.

3:39pm Kara Handfull
what are you talking about?

3:39pm Robert
it's unimportant


- "Laccetti (professor of humanities at Stevens Institute of Technology) and Molsk, in their essay entitled The Lost Art of Writing,[12][13] are critical of the acronyms, predicting reduced chances of employment for students who use such acronyms, stating that, "Unfortunately for these students, their bosses will not be 'lol' when they read a report that lacks proper punctuation and grammar, has numerous misspellings, various made-up words, and silly acronyms." Fondiller and Nerone[14] in their style manual assert that "professional or business communication should never be careless or poorly constructed" whether one is writing an electronic mail message or an article for publication, and warn against the use of smileys and these abbreviations, stating that they are "no more than e-mail slang and have no place in business communication"."

I'm going to write an email today to my co-worker that includes at least one emoticon and an uncapatalized 'LOL'. And in fact, now I have a reason:

Rachel says:
like I needed another reason to go to San Francisco...
Robert B Bailey says:
oh hell
Robert B Bailey says:
I'm looking at the homepage and I'm afraid to enter
Robert B Bailey says:
this is great
Robert B Bailey says:
I used to do this.. you know..
Rachel says:

Back to my original point...

WHERE I WORK with as often as I see poor grammar WITH the use of a fucking spell check it leads me to believe that there are not many who care of writing proper english in business anyway. Furthermore, I must again be breaking the trend of idiocy, because if I am of normal intellect then I'd guess I was on the level of most students. Assuming the latter were true then, like myself, students who would be so inclined to use emoticons or god forbid the dreaded 'lol' occasionally could see clear to avoid using them when writing to business oriented recipients.

Welp... (sigh).. haven't posted here in a while..

I thought I would comment on this article, but then... I read this comment:

- "Palin has certainly emerged as a political force, but to whitewash her abysmal appearances in front of the national media as some sort of liberal conspiracy to bring down a unique conservative voice is nothing short of ignorant. When McCain announced Palin as his choice for running mate, undecided voters wanted to like Sarah Palin. She was attractive, vibrant, vocal, and independent. Unfortunately, as those undecided voters would soon discover, she was also as dumb as a brick. This was not one "lousy interview with Katie Couric," this was a sequestered candidate who was only allowed to make a half-dozen national appearances all of which turned out to be unmitigated disasters. What about the Charles Gibson interview? What about the debate in which Palin repeatedly chose to answer questions that were never asked of her and ignored most of the ones that were asked? And it wasn't the national media that sought out Palin so they could beat a defeated horse. This was Sarah Palin desperately seeking a return to the spotlight. Judging by her recent resignation, it's a spotlight she is still woefully unprepared for."

.. and I thought.. "wow, that more than sums up what I wanted to say"

During the elections, I heard not one convincing argument to her credit. The only positive trait that I heard my conservative friends comment was, "She's hot". McCain, yes, I heard potentially convincing positive arguments to assuage my beliefs of the man. Palin? nope. The remainder of the comments carry a great deal of weight. The near lack of defense of Palin within those comments, that defense for the most part petty, betells who her supporters are.

Battlestar Galactica, The Sci-fi Channel, lack of reading and other random crapola..

Judson may enjoy this:,,20169703,00.html

Note that the picture looks very much like "The Last Supper"

I decided to watch the Sci-Fi channel for, oh I don't know, about 9 hours straight at my parents house this evening. I haven't had cable since October of last year. It has had an effect in that I am just assininely bored. I thought it might make me read more. I often thought about cutting off TV just to see if I eventually turn to books as my source of entertainment. I've known that people do that in order to inflate, perpetuate and ejaculate their own sense of intellectual superiority - turning off the TV and deciding to only read books. In my case, I seem dumbed down. It hasn't helped any to have seperated myself from all of that which I distracted myself with before.... aaaaaaand I don't read any more than I used to.

Not ONLY have I cut myself off entirely from TV, but also from just about any roleplaying since March of last year. I've even cut myself off from video games. Well I did decide to get addicted to the XBox version of Fable during October 2006, however that ended. I've watched all of John's movies as well. I'm all out of media! What do I do? Wait, don't answer. Maybe there is hope yet that I will begin gobbling up books like wildfire out of boredom.

To go back to the opening two lines of this post, I watched an episode of Battelstar Galactica and decided that the reason that it is so popular is that it is intensely emotional and the plight of the characters seems believable. Who can't like a well written script and good acting? I must say I love the interaction of Admiral Adama with the president. Also, this Adama... I have to say... out of all the science fiction, futuristic drama I've watched, I like him as the leader "father" figure the best. Even better than those characters I've seen in the Star Trek series and/or movies. I will NOT get into that fevered meanlingless debate of "who is the superior officer?", as I really don't fucking care. I'm not that big of a dork.

"Frankenstein Reborn" - I'll say this.. don't watch this piece of shit unless you have nothing else to do. I felt my intelligence sucked out through my fucking nose by a reverse version of a bullhorn. I noted two things that I consider discrepancies:

1. If the "stupid bitch" brunette medical student that was hired later in the movie to help with the experiment could have no time for a social life because of the amount of the work involved, then why the fuck was 3/4 of her screen time spent in a fucking bar drinking neon multi-colored drinks?

2. Stripping an observation from the previous question, why THE FUCK does drinking neon multi-colored drinks make you appear more sophisticated? In my opinion it should make you more qualified for a .50 caliber round to the head.

Livejournal, Livejournal, where for art thou Livejournal?..

Well, it looks as though I have a reason to come back to this thing. It would appear as though Steph has friends that utilize this as a source of entertainment often. So I might see if I can set up an RSS feed from my myspace blog to here. Not that I post often in that blog as it is.

When I used this site a few years ago I had little to no social life, which I did not miss. It has become that way again regretfully. Now I miss it - my social life that is. Yet, that imperative eating habit I can't squash makes me work to earn money. I work at night and thus weekdays are cut out of my "funtime".

When did the internet become a way of life for me? I am plugged into a computer nearly 16 hours a day and I keep coming back. Like Pavlov's dog I return to check email when I come home. You'd think that I would put the fucker away now and then and go to the batting cages, or run in the park, or I don't know.. Hammer a nail... pick up a book for pleasurable reading, turn a wrench on my Chevelle, cut the fucking tall reedlike grass in my front yard that has turned into a cross between a swamp and a western state badland, or even clean my house. Yes, that's right I said clean my house.

My roomate is driving me nuts. He won't wash the dishes that he leaves over the weekend. He never takes out the trash. When he and the guys game in my den/bedroom they don't clean up the area they use - I don't even play anymore! Gah! It's a small price to pay for 400 a month though. It's nice to be able to have somewhere to vent this without all of my friends getting hold of it and telling him about it.

Normally I'm confrontational, but not with John. Somewhere deep in my mind I believe that I might just be wrong about my assumptions, and he'll know. He'll find it! He has a very convincing demeanor.

Anyway, yeah, this is me.. ventin... and you.. readin it.. werd....
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